A piece of my mind

Well, I did have the "runaway from home"intention in mind for a few months. Reason is a bit stupid for some of you to understand but I'm not asking anyone to support my decision. So just hear me out ok?

Everyone have their problems and worries, so do I... My health is not improving for the pass few months and it's bound to get worst in the near future. To make things worst, I also suffer from mild depression which I'm not really happy about. Tumor is still there, it sucks that once in a while you'll wake up in the middle of the night breathless and in pain. The tumor is not as active as what the doctors said, but at the same time it's impossible to remove it at the moment. I din know how long I have to bare with this pain. Hope it ends soon. :(

Now is the depression part. I won't deny that I get offended or hurt easily compare to normal people. I treat most of my friends the way I hope how other people will treat me. Of course, that's a little bit unfair to say because not everyone have the same thinking. To me, my friends are my life! Without them, life is almost meaningless to me. But once a while, there is this depressing moment where you'll feel that not even one friend is there for you when you need them the most. Those moments are one of the most saddest feeling for me. Frankly speaking, no matter how busy I am or how tired I am, I will always make time for them. But when it comes to my turn that needs their help or just someone to speak too, they are always busy. Of course I'm not pointing at any specific person in detail. If you think you're one of them, then too bad. If you think you're not then good for you and thank you for being there.

I've thought of moving away to somewhere I could start fresh from everything, like work, friends, and health. I don't blame the friends who don't have time for me. It's not their fault also. I'm sure they all have something more important to do. I'm going to change my number starting from next month. To those who have my number, that's because I want you to continue to be in my life. You make meaningful for me to continue everyday. And for the ones who don't have it, well... Guess that's goodbye for us then. Don't be sad. I'm sure without me will be much better and less trouble free right? No one will bug you in future already :)

This won't be my last post, but it'll definitely be the last time talking about how pathetic life is. I won't expect anything from anyone anymore, cuz that will just probably end up in disappointment which is not what I want right now. If really my time is near, I would prefer to spend it with people who appreciate me and not people who are always too busy for you but only finds you when they need something. It's really foolish of me going though all these for a year already. It's time to change for good and hopefully I'll have friends which I can really count on in future.

Changing everything...

For the past 2 weeks I've been in Penang on medical leave. A lot had happened. It all somehow looks like its linked together.

I've made up my mind that I must move forward rather than being like this forever. What's the point if I care and the opposite side don't even give a shit? It's no point being sad over things like this. If they don't care, why should I?

From now on, no matter whether if it's a normal friend, best friend or even family for that sake, if the don't care, so do I. Don't expect me to find you guys for fun or just to hangout, it's wasting my time and that's the one thing I need the most.

I'm sick and tired of all the fake promises and conversations that we're having. I'm not putting any expectation on anything anymore. I'm just gonna live my life day by day till the time comes.

At this point of life, I don't need any fake friends. I just want the ones that are sincere and promise to be by my side when I need them the most. Hope there are still a few out there.

Anyways, gonna start work again next week. Let's hope everything goes smooth from now on :)
Bye!

Growing up is hard.

Taking the road less traveled is fun and all, but I often wish I had done things the "normal" way.

Doing things the normal way would involve:

1. missing high school.

I don't. Seriously. Eff that shit. The only people who miss high school are the ones who had a better life there than they do now which shouldn't be anyone's goal in life! Life should keep getting better and better (as a whole - don't count the speed bumps and rough patches).

2. going to a private college in Subang.

"Normal" is only applicable if you grew up and went to school in Malaysia, preferably the Klang Valley; had music lessons, a truckload of tuition and belong to super-Asian parents that strongly believe that the solution to a great life is through tertiary education. Please note that super-Asian parents have a very boring idea of "a great life".

3. finishing your degree and working in Malaysia.

Even if you graduated overseas, you still somehow end up here. What gives?

4. working a 9-5 job.

And blowing all your money on superficial and materialistic wants.

5. I have very few friends.

Sure, I know a lot of people, but very few are considered *friends*. I would have made more solid friends if I had gone to college here, and most people at work aren't exactly nice to "the kid". It doesn't help that I've also recently stopped talking to the person I was closest to in the last year.

6. neither here nor there = nowhere.

At work, I'm too immature and among my old schoolmates, I'm too "old". I don't get to spend as much time as I'd like to with the people I've grown to call friends cause it's not like I spend a lot of classtime with them.

7. I'm going to be that "old guy" in college.

No need to elaborate. I'm just not looking forward to that bit.

8. making your own money means paying for EVERYTHING yourself, and understanding the value of money.

So now I'm at this stupid crossroad where I don't know what I'm doing with myself or what I actually want to do with my life. I'm not inspired by anything and I feel like doing nothing. But by doing nothing I feel like I'm wasting my youth away.

I've been telling everyone more or less the same thing, about how I don't know what I'm doing with my life and all that. Everyone's usual reply is "it's okay. Neither do I," and that makes me feel better about myself, especially when they're significantly older. Only one girl said "awww" which left me feeling extremely dumbfounded and jealous that she has it all figured out.

I don't think most of what I've said applies to most people. And if you want to be comforting and say "I can relate", please don't. I hate people who lie.

But this is my blog, and what I say doesn't represent any station, so I've decided that I can say whatever the fuck I want.

For now, at least.

Let's hope no more next time

Just got home from what I can say as one of my wildest day. Was so close to loose someone who means the world to me.

Sigh.... Yes, I think too much some of the time, I felt abandon, left out and stuff like that for certain reasons. I guess maybe I was expecting too much from you? Nevertheless, I totally understand your situation. It's hard stay focus and be happy right now. I was wrong for judging you too.

I've learned that 1st rule of being a good friend is don't judge. You can't build true friendship upon initial judgement. I guess what I'm trying to say here is I really care for you a lot and when things around you get bad and me not knowing it, I tend to think something negative. I'm sorry for that.

For a few hours today, I realize that loosing you would be the worst thing that could ever happen in my life. It sucks so bad that I cant even think straight! It was a stupid decision I made when I was angry and I truly regret it till this very moment :( I can't imagine life without a person like you. My future will be so empty and pointless.

Anyway, thank god everything got sorted out and things are back to the way it is. I really hope this kind of stupidity will never ever cross my mind again. If you're reading this, I hope you forgive me. It was really harsh on you. I really regret it. And please do keep in mind,I will always care for you, love you and support you like you're my own sister. I will always be there for you. Good times, bad times, anytime! I'll always have your back and support you no matter what. I can't afford to lose you. Just that few hours today is like hell to me. I can't imagine what happen if it is longer.

Enough said, I hope and pray we'll be friends forever!!! :')

Sorry and good night :)

English is a crazy language

Reflecting back

When I met you for the 1st time, i didn't know we'll end up being best friends. My 1st impression on you was very bad.

But you prove me wrong. You show me how a real friend should care and love each other. I learn a lot from you. You were the best for me. You know all my secrets good and also bad.

You were always there for me no matter what time of the day it is. I really appreciate that. But you changed recently, I start hearing rumors about you. Honestly, I never believe one of them because I know you won't do that. Looks like I was let down this time. It is really unacceptable for me. I really wish I had never know a girl like you. You were a big part of my life. All those sad and happy moments you were always there. I miss you and I hate you at the same time! I hope you don't do this to other of our friends.

You have my word, I won't tell them about this. If anyone of them ask I'll create something up because the truth is really hard to accept. I hope you'll have a good life ahead and also hope that you'll change and loose all these bad habit you have. Take care...

Predicted?

Well, you just have to know from the beginning right? I never ask you to care or anything like that. Just be yourself. If you don't wanna be friends, it's cool. No one force you. I never know you will be so fake to me.

I trust you fully, you are one my best friend ever! It's really heart breaking to find out something like this. I don't even know wether to believe what you're saying or feeling right now. It could be fake out again right? I'm just disappointed. I hope i will never ever see you again. And don't worry, I'm not gonna tell our friends about it. Let them find out themselves. Anyways, thanks for all the good memories. Dunno if it's real or not, but thank you and I hope you'll change to be a better girl.

Weekly review

Hey guys, how's the weekend do far? I'm here to write what I encounter this whole week. Actually I can sum up everything in one word... But then, let's just write everything out and see how bad it went.

Was not feeling well and in a mood the whole week.... Monday and Tuesday were very hard to pass, doubts and unsure feelings make it even worst. I wonder when I'll have the courage to actually speak out my mind to that person.

Anyway, then came Wednesday, woke up with a cheerful mindset. I planned to get my father a belated father's day present after work. When I finish work that day, I got no idea hat got in my mind, I decide to take a bus home instead of my usual cab. The bus was pack! I mean like those sardine can type of pack! But nevertheless, I still took the bus. When I got down, I realize that my bag was half open, I lost all my cash and my office phone :( Thank god all my important documents are still there. Told my parents about it and scolded as usual. Well, shot happens, what to do right? I also want to apologize to the people I reply rudely or never reply at during that period of time.... I was really not in the mood and didn't want to talk about it. Thursday was a normal day at work. Everything was slow and nothing much happen.

Woke up to Friday with a very bad headache but still went to office. Struggle throughout the day and was having a really bad time focusing on my work. That night itself I got a fever and Saturday my temperature shoot up to 39.6~ it was just a rest and sleep day for me. Today I'm feeling better compare to yesterday... Just had my brunch and now just relaxing.

Good news is AJ is coming back next week... Can't wait to meet up with her. And we're also planning a vacation. Hope everything goes well la. See you guys soon :)

Test post

Yo!!!
1st time using my blogger app on my phone to post :)

Let's talk a little shall we?
The weekends was great! Saturday night was a wild one! First, met up with Joeyee at Empire Hotel. After that, went on a drinking rampage with friends and cousins ;) lost my memory after 1.30 AM due to multiple shots of tequila! I even drove all the way to Chow Kit for bak kut teh which I can't recall till now ><

The next woke up before noon.... Then went for my 1st RCIA class. After that we had a father's / bachelor's day party at uncle's pub *drink again* but it was fun!!! He eat, drank and danced!!! :) will post a video of my drunk cousin singing "hotel california" in the next post... Till then, stay happy and healthy always :)

By the way, change my blog song... What you guys think? This will be the theme song for me this year :)

Here are the photos of the mentioned events:



Bye!!!!

How did I fall in love with you?

Remember when, we never needed each other
The best of friends like
Sister and Brother
We understood, we'd never be,
Alone

Those days are gone, and I want you so much

I hear your voice
And I start to tremble
Brings back the child that, I resemble

I cannot pretend, that we can still be friends
Don't know what to say
I never meant to feel this way
What can I do, to make you mine?
Falling so hard so fast this time
What did I say, what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?

Round and Round

The world is round, the ball is round too. 

Same goes to our life....

What you do now & the way you treat others, 

i believe soonest or later you will get back the same treatment from others. 

This is called "karma".

When you have problems within yourself or surrounding,

 you should sort it out instead of pushing the blame to others...

Random thoughts

I'm just so fuckin' depressed, I just can seem to get out this dump
If only I could just get over this.. 
But I need something to pull me out this dump,
I took my bruises, took my lumps
Fell down and I got right back up
But I need that spark to get psyched back up

I don't know how or why or when I ended up in this position I'm in

But I know one fact I'll be one tough act to follow

In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what it'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each other's minds
Just to see what we find
Look at shit through each other's eyes

Nobody asked for life to deal us
With these bullshit hands we're dealt
We have to take these problems ourselves
And flip them, don't expect no help
Now I could have either just
Sit here and pissed and moaned
Or take this situation in which I'm placed in
And get up and get my own~~

New Journey

Waited for this moment for a few years already.

Gonna start it in a few months time.

Hope I'm strong till the end of it.

It's time to leave the bad behind,

move forward with this new blessed life.

TIME TO START FRESH!

My Melancholy Heart

Ever felt so glum because you were troubled and you had nobody to talk to? Ever feel like the world was moving too fast for you? I know people who work their whole lives to reach their dreams and once they get there, they find it lonely and empty.

They resort to drugs and eventually suicide. That is exactly what happened to those funnymen found hanging in their apartments.

People say "Who would have guessed that he was depressed? He was always laughing and joking around."

I believe that if you look hard enough, you would be able to sense when a friend is feeling down. Left alone and that friend will go deeper into the hole of sadness and eventually fall into depression.

Small things may trigger sadness.

Look out for the signs. Reach out to your friend. A friend in need is a friend indeed.

a little lesson in happiness.

I spent the morning smiling to myself today.

All my life I've had many people that I am such a happy person.

BUT

I've also always had many people tell me that I'm too sad.

So while I admit that I'm an easily to get emotional person,

today I realised that it takes

just the littlest things to make me happy too!

And for that, I am thankful.

But I've also realised today that there's a slight difference between realistic happiness and surreal happiness - but that doesn't apply to everyone and I'll get to that later.

So today I've felt the happiest I've ever felt in quite a while. When it rains, it pours - even when it comes to the good stuff. Last week I had a massive life lesson on growing up and this week, I seem to be getting a lesson on being humble and thankful.

Loads of people out there say that happiness is a choice - and that you get it from within yourself, and that no one else controls your happiness, etc (and all that crap), so I am extra thankful that the reasons I've been happy lately are because of other people.

love is annoying

Love truly is annoying - in my opinion at the very least.

It surrounds us, it drowns us, it dominates our thoughts.

And if you're anything like me - happily single, that is, or single by choice - you can understand how irritating it can get when people rub it onto our faces against our will.

Aside from the obvious - long lost relatives asking why you don't have a girlfriend, your mother accusing every girl friend of being your latest squeeze, etc - there seems to be no escaping the damn topic!

If one of your friends/colleagues/siblings isn't gushing over someone they found attractive, it's about someone who just broke their heart. Either that, or someone you know is about to get hitched.

It gets worse if you work/listen to mainstream radio. If the song isn't about sex, drugs or murder (I'm talking about you, Foster the People!), it's about frickin' love love love! That's why Ne-Yo kept asking himself why he couldn't turn off the radio when he was heartbroken. (I'm even making mainstream references now. Wow.)

Full shelves of chick lit, sold out chick flicks.

And after the sappy confrontation, I can't help but wonder:

Am I actually missing out on something here?

Miss that!

I miss the feeling of being cared.
I miss the feeling where I can talk to you whenever I need to.

I miss the feeling of always being the top priority.

I miss the feeling of being spoilt.

I miss the feeling of talking on the phone for hours and not sleeping.

I miss those long Saturday nights where we talk about everything.

Most importantly I MISS YOU
 when you took all of these feelings away :'(

That was not the whole truth

I told friends that I'll be going to the northern region for recce.

Well its only half the truth.

I'm going back to Penang for something else.

I sure hope everything goes smoothly.

.

.

.

.

Two choices

*this is an email I received from my dad... just wanna share with you guys :')*
What would you do?....you make the choice. Don't look for a punch line, there isn't one. Read it anyway. My question is: Would  you  have  a  choice?

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves children with learning disabilities, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its

dedicated staff, he offered a question:

'When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does, is done with perfection.

Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do.

Where is the natural order of things in my son?'



The audience was stilled by the query.



The father continued. 'I believe that when a child like Shay, who was mentally and physically disabled comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.'

Then he told the following story:



Shay and I had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, 'Do you think they'll let me play?' I knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but as a father I also understood that if my son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.



I approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, 'We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning.'



Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. I watched with a small tear in my eye and warmth in my heart. The boys saw my joy at my son being accepted.

In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three.

In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as I waved to him from the stands.

In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again.

Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.



At this juncture, do the others let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game?

Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.



However, as Shay stepped up to the

plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact.

The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed.

The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay.

As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.



The game would now be over.

The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman.

Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.



Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates.

Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, 'Shay, run to first!

Run to first!'

Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base.

He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.



Everyone yelled, 'Run to second, run to second!'

Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base.

By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball. The smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team.

He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head.

Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.



All were screaming, 'Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay'



Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, 'Run to third!

Shay, run to third!'



As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, 'Shay, run home! Run home!'

Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team



'That day', said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, 'the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world'.



Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making me so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day !



AND NOW A LITTLE FOOT NOTE TO THIS STORY:

We all send thousands of jokes through the e-mail without a second thought, but when it comes to sending messages about life choices, people hesitate.

The crude, vulgar, and often obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion about decency is too often suppressed in our schools and workplaces.



If you're thinking about forwarding this message, chances are that you're probably sorting out the people in your address book who aren't the 'appropriate' ones to receive this type of message Well, the person who sent you this believes that we all can make a difference.

We all have thousands of opportunities every single day to help realize the 'natural order of things.'

So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people present us with a choice:

Do we pass along a little spark of love and humanity or do we pass up those opportunities and leave the world a little bit colder in the process?



A wise man once said every society is judged by how it treats it's least fortunate amongst them.

I dont Understand

 In McD:
1. Sauce - Why do people dispense tubs of tomato ketchup/chilli sauce, 

then only consume half of it? 

Or dispense a large splurge on the lid of burger box, only to dip a few fries in it?
2. Coke - Why do people ask for full cup refill, drink a sip then leave off? 
3. Table - Food and drinks is served on tray, and dustbins are provided in every corner of restaurant,

 but why don't people clean up the table after dining?

 They are able to self-service at the counter, but lets other do the cleaning after they eat?
4. McD Library - Why do people bring books to study in McD? 

Yes they have the rights to order a small coke and sit for 24 hours. 

If so, why don't we eat in the library?
5. Why do people bring stacks of extension plug, 

connect all to laptops, and turn the McD into a cybercafe?

And everyone sits there not talking to each other.

While it is not against the law, but don't these people know how to act and behave? I don't understand.